Zodiac Resolutions for 2013

Happy New Year! Since I know that you can’t manage your life without my guidance, I’m telling you what your 2013 resolutions are by astrological sign.

Aries: men- get to the gym & burn off that extra testosterone
women- get to the gym & burn off that extra testosterone
Taurus: Lighten up, put on some Hootie & the Blowfish & dance as if noone is watching. Hopefully, someone is watching & filming though so we can make fun of your ass on You Tube.
Gemini: Make 1 decision this year & actually stick to it. Of course, it will take you 6 months to decide which decision to make.
Cancer: Broaden your horizons..accept 2 social invites a month & actually leave your house.That is assuming that anyone still invites you out.
Leo: Look in mirror & say some affirmations, then go to your Throne & purge that 5 lbs you gained over the Holidays, repeat affirmations.
Virgo: Cut back on your spending this year. Start by firing the maid...we all know you clean the house before she arrives anyway.
Libra: Clean out your closets. Donate your High School/College wardrobe. News Flash: you will NEVER fit in those clothes again & no one wants to see you in that ugly dated shit anyway.
Scorpio: Do the World a favor & stop spreading disease. Keep your pecker in your pants or your muffin in its basket once in awhile. The Center for Disease Control thanks you.
Sagittarius: For an hour a day, practice being silent. Consider it a well-deserved meditation for all of us.
Capricorn: Stop working & take a Vacation with your family...unplug all gadgets & actually connect w/loved ones. Yes, this will take hours of therapy...
Aquarius: For 5 minutes a day, think of others before thinking of yourself..o.k...aim for 1 minute.
Pisces: Get back to your AA,NA,OA,SAA meetings..we’ve all missed those delicious cookies you bring.